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Observations From Behind The Kiosk. | |
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Other Writing |
1. I do not know what magazines we stock. 2. You cannot pay for the lottery with a credit card. 3. I don’t care about your problems. 4. I have to scan newspapers. 5. If you don’t know what you want, make room for someone who does. 6. No, I cannot fix the lifts. 7. If I look bored and/or unhappy I am, do not try to cheer me up. 8. There is a returned coin slot on the children’s ride; your money is there. 9. I will tell you how much your shopping costs when I know, not before. 10. When you’re done go away, don’t hog the counter. 11. There are no scales at the kiosk, which is one reason why I prefer it here. 12. It is not my fault you cannot count and/or read. 13. It doesn’t take much effort to mark which day you want your lottery tickets for. 14. Removing your basket from the counter is also quite easy. 15. It’s BERKeley, not BARKeley. 16. If you pay by cheque, don’t think you’re leaving quickly. 17. Asking for a “Winning lottery ticket” isn’t funny. 18. The customer service desk is located under the big sign that says “Customer Service”. 19. If Sainsbury’s is cheaper why are you here? 20. Do I look like a change machine? 21. Given the amount of chocolate you are purchasing, it is no wonder you are so fat. 22. I will sell you what you ask for, even if it isn’t actually what you want. 23. I will not be inclined to work any faster just because you are in a hurry to get to a meeting, catch a train/bus/taxi or give birth. 24. I don’t think your IQ is 16, let alone your age. 25. It is advisable to attempt to purchase goods before closing time. 26. My three-year-old nephew’s signature is more legible than yours is. 27. Last night’s lottery numbers are written on the big board in ink. 28. Your children are even more annoying than you are. 29. I have served you three times in as many minutes, haven’t you got everything yet? 30. You are getting lots of small change because you are not the first idiot to pay for a newspaper with a £20 note today. 31. You are welcome to put back a newspaper, but only where you got it from. 32. I’ve ironed shirts with fewer creases than your lottery form. 33. The poster tells you exactly which flavours/colours are on special offer. 34. The same poster tells you that you can only buy three at a time. 35. You will have plenty of time to read that newspaper/magazine after you have paid for it. 36. I don’t care how cheap cigarettes used to be, just give me £4.21 and leave me alone. 37. I don’t want your receipt any more than you do. 38. I don’t want the adverts from the TV guide magazines either. 39. The same goes for your used lottery forms as well. 40. If you have to ask which are the cheapest cigarettes, then you probably can’t afford to smoke. 41. Just because one type of scratch card pays out more often than another does not mean you will necessarily win anything. 42. How can anyone get coins this sticky? 43. Fine; don’t believe me when I tell you the supplements are in those papers. 44. It will take more than mint flavour chewing gum to get the smell of cigarettes off you. 45. No, I can’t accept foreign coins and yes, the Euro is foreign. 46. No, two numbers and the bonus doesn’t win you £10, and it never has either. 47. Pointing at the scratch card you want is no good if I can’t see your hand. 48. If you want yesterday’s newspaper why didn’t you buy it yesterday? 49. The sweets rack is self-service. 50. You removed the covering from the game numbers on this scratch card, so is it too much to ask for you to have uncovered the card serial number as well? 51. Asking for a “Winning lottery ticket” REALLY ISN’T FUNNY, I consider this worth putting in twice. 52. Asking if a lucky dip “Really is lucky” isn’t funny either. 53. No I can’t put points on your Sainsbury’s or Tesco cards. 54. The post box is the big red thing you’ve just walked past to ask me if we have one. 55. If you spoke any louder you would still be mumbling. 56. Having the exact change will not speed things up if you take half an hour to count it out. 57. Just because I’m not serving anyone doesn’t mean I don’t have any work to do. 58. Don’t expect me to be sorry that the children’s ride is out of order. 59. Yes we do the lottery here. Did you think all this Camelot stuff was just for show? 60. Yes we also sell cold drinks; they are in that large fridge right over there. 61. Likewise crisps and sandwiches to your left. 62. My name is not Simon, my badge clearly tells you this. 63. You could have asked for a phone card when you bought that trolley full of shopping, so don’t expect me to be sympathetic to your having to walk back to the customer service desk to ask for a phone card that I don’t have. 64. The pharmacy is the big counter surrounded by medicines. 65. The only reason ticking the lottery extra on a board you haven’t used is so common is that the world is full of morons. 66. By special request I’m going make the point about asking for a “Winning lottery ticket” a third time. 67. I hope that when you’re done telling me your life story you won’t be asking questions because I’m not paying any attention. 68. Bits of change from your pocket are legal tender, bits of fluff are not. 69. We only sell stamps in books, and the ones in the display are fake. SO LEAVE THEM ALONE! 70. I need that hand to serve with, so please stop kissing it and let go of me. 71. It doesn’t matter where you got this voucher it’s expired so you can’t use it. 72. Threatening to shop at a different store from now on won’t work on me because I’m hoping I never see you again. By the way Sainsbury’s is just up the road, and Tesco is down the bypass. 73. If you are going to read a price off the shelf, at least read the right one. 74. That slim fast you keep buying isn’t working. I’d ask for my money back if I were you. 75. I WANT TO MAKE THIS ABSOLUTELY CLEAR. THERE ARE NO JOKES ABOUT WINNING LOTTERY TICKETS OR LUCKY DIPS BEING LUCKY THAT ARE FUNNY. I’M SERIOUS, I’M GOING TO KILL SOMEONE WHO MAKES ONE SOONER OR LATER AND I DON’T CARE IF THEY’RE A MEMBER OF STAFF EITHER. 76. Rest assured that I will be making fun of you as soon as I think you won’t hear me. Unless I really don’t like you in which case I’ll start while you are stood right in front of me. 77. I am not a tourist information centre. 78. I know how to do my job, don’t try to tell how to do it better. 79. If you ask a question don’t complain to me if you don’t like the answer. 80. Bear in mind that you will have to speak louder of you ask for something while you’re still thirty feet away. 81. Instead of just saying “Thanks” over and over again you could express your gratitude by taking a bath before you come anywhere near me again. 82. If I say “Anything other than lottery” I don’t expect to be asked for lottery tickets. 83. When I say “Anyone for lottery?” people who pass me newspapers may one day have to eat them. 84. Your little friend hiding outside didn’t get served, what makes you think you’ll do any better? 85. I don’t care who you’re talking to, I need paying. 86. Nine items, NINE! 87. Shut up. Pay up. F*** off. |
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